Stress Rash

   I've never wanted to be a waitress. I knew without even trying that it is a difficult job and the second most underpaid position available. (Teaching being the first) Ever since I started getting jobs, I promised myself I would never even apply to be a waitress. I've worked at a swimming pool, doling out tubes for the lazy river 'n such. I've cleaned the house of a completely anal woman who didn't really even need me to clean it because it was never dirty in the first place. I've done homework while sitting at the front desk of dorms and answering questions every hour or so. Lastly, I've worked in a clothing store where I helped women pick out the specific shade of white that would go perfect with their black slacks. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of not ever being a waitress.

   Then I moved to Manhattan. And even though I had been offered a couple positions, the only one that was truly promising was a waitressing job in a hotel. The people were incredibly nice and I knew that I would fit in with their personalities. I also thought, "Well, hotel food is usually more expensive than most restaurants. So that will probably mean a high quality of people and bigger tips." And after borrowing over $500 from a number of relatives, I decided that I really needed a job, no matter what it was.

  I only made it through half a days worth of training. The girl who trained me had been a waitress for over five years and it showed. She had the rhythm down. I think it had become like a math problem for her. She just followed the formula without even thinking and even though the numbers were different for each problem, the outcome would always be correct. She was also incredibly smart and kind about what to teach me. If you've ever "shadowed" someone at a job, you know how awkward it is. You are essentially two steps behind them while they try to do everything like they normally would. Except that they have to keep doing three point turns because you are always inadvertently in their way. I imagine its a lot like having a four year old child who won't leave you the heck alone, but they don't know any better so you can't get mad at them when they spill coke on a table or forget where to put the dirty napkins.

   After an hour of this, my breathing got heavy and I couldn't calm it down. I didn't have time to! I couldn't ask for a five minute break only an hour into training. There was so much information coming at me in all directions. I didn't have a chance to process what I had just learned before a new situation came up. The only tasks I could hold on to were the ones we performed about 10 times. And even then I'd be worried I was doing it wrong. "How much ice do I put in the cup?" "Like this?" "I don't even remember what table wanted this."

   When I saw the guy who hired me, I pulled him aside and explained that I was in way over my head. He spent an hour helping me fill out paperwork and then showing me around the hotel, only for me to quit three hours into my training. I felt like a complete jerk. He took me out back to get some air and give me a pep talk. I fought back tears and eventually got light headed, then dizzy, then couldn't focus at all because I hadn't been breathing naturally since the conversation started.
    "I just want you to challenge yourself."
  But I already feel like I challenge myself everyday in so many ways... quitting during my first day on the job is just about biggest challenge I've ever had.

   Now you're all probably wondering what job I am going to get. I'm already indebted to many friends and family members. I've been willingly accepting free food/drinks from anyone who offers (which I absolutely never do, so you can tell how desperate I am). I'm only planning to live in Manhattan for at least two months. I will not get a job. Do not mistake that sentence as me having a negative attitude. I am consciously deciding to not look for a job this summer and to graciously accept any help that my support system is willing to give me. When I made this decision, I broke out in a stress rash all over my arms, ears, face, and neck but this way, unlike last summer, I won't feel guilty the whole time (just itchy). I'm saying right now: "I do not have a job. I will not look for a job. This does not make me lazy or dumb. It makes me a freeloader. It also makes me a free spirit for two months."
    I plan to use this time to focus on my mental health and to have a good time. Be jealous.